


Home Bound

by lollercakes



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Everybody Lives, F/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Rebelcaptain Secret Santa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28414071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lollercakes/pseuds/lollercakes
Summary: Survive. Escape. Go home? To what home?Jyn and Cassian escape from Scarif and settle on a small planet in the outer rim where the traditions are vibrant and the Rebellion barely scratches at their front door. Years pass, they live. But then the scratching at their door gets heavier, and heavier, and soon there’s a knock that calls them back into the service. They go because to say no would go against their very fiber, but when everything they’ve come to know disappears, how do they remember what they’re fighting for?A story about being apart and coming home.A gift for the Rebelcaptain Secret Santa gift exchange for youareiron-andyouarestrong!
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 13
Kudos: 32
Collections: The RebelCaptain Network Secret Santa Exchange





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

  * For [youareiron_andyouarestrong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/youareiron_andyouarestrong/gifts).



> I've never been great with canon stories in this universe, so hopefully I didn't get too much of it wrong! It's also been a crazy time for me with work and I wish this had been more upbeat but alas, my brain refused to go full fluff so please forgive the bittersweet feel to this fic. I hope you've had a wonderful holiday season and are gearing up for an amazing 2021!

Step 1: Survive. 

Step 2: Get off Scarif

Step 3: Get back to Yavin V

Step 4: …. Step 4? 

They make it through steps one through three and he doesn’t understand how exactly it happens. One second he’s on a beach and the sky's alight and the heat is almost unbearable but for her body wrapped around his… Next, he’s tucked in a medbay bed on a ship with his hand wrapped up in Jyn’s, her grip tight despite the soft breaths filling his room. He doesn’t know what’s supposed to come next and for once, maybe he’s okay with that. 

And so he pulls her hand closer and ignores the twinge in his spine as he wraps himself around her, unwilling to let the heat from before eat him alive like his mind is convinced it will. 

* * *

They settle on Calabriana, a small planet in the Outer Rim where nobody knows their names. The anonymity was a requirement after Scarif, after the desolation of Yavin V, after Hoth. 

Cassian and Jyn had stuck around the Rebellion after Scarif to fight and it had been years of it, endless days of missions that had picked at their open wounds until one day - a day like any other - Cassian had come back to his bunk to find Jyn curled up in his cot, shivering and vacant. 

_ “Jyn?” Cassian breathes, hesitating at his door. It wasn’t that she was here, in his room, which made him pause. Nor was it finding her in his bed, even though they never explicitly talked about  _ that _. No, the panic in his chest wasn’t any of those things. It was the look on her face, the way it didn’t flicker to life like it normally would. Something was wrong. “Are you alright?”  _

_ She doesn’t respond, not verbally at least. All she does do is close her eyes until her brow furrows and her breathing seems to stop under his inspection. It's enough to bring him to her side, his hand coming to her cheek as he drops to his knees beside her. _

_ “Come back to me,” he whispers softly, the words unfamiliar on his lips.  _

_ They had always been her words, murmured into his temple after a bad dream, after a mission went sideways and she had to come find him. Her fingers on his chin, her cheek pressed to his brow so he didn’t have to hide his pained expression.  _

_ “Jyn, come back,” he repeats and her eyes blink open, flickering up to meet his. He exhales a shaky breath and slides his thumb along her jaw. “Do you want to talk about it?” She shakes her head and he follows as she pulls him into the bed, her small frame tucking into his chest as though she was set to disappear into him.  _

_ An hour passes. Then two. It’s late when she whispers what she needs, the feeling resonating within him like a ricocheted gunshot.  _

_ “I can’t be here anymore. I need to leave. Come with me?”  _

_ He doesn’t think before he utters his reply: “Yes.”  _

It’s two days later that they’re boarding their ship, the half-repaired K2SO droid packed away and their small bag of worldly possessions fastened in the hold. 

Leia had come to say goodbye, as had Draven and Bodhi and Kes. Their small farewell had gone mostly unannounced. The heroes of Scarif disappeared into the sky, almost as though their lives in the Rebellion after Scarif were but ghosts haunting hallways. Maybe they had been. 

* * *

Life on Calabriana was hard. Not in the sense of working themselves to death or being required to go on high risk missions every day like an endless rotation of pain and misery. No. It was hard in the way that living a quiet life after so much suffering was hard. It was the silence, and the calm way that life moved like a snake in the grass, weaving and slithering through time until it rounded in and tried to consume itself. 

At first, Cassian was sure they’d made a mistake. His hours helping build a home were well spent, yes, but the nights were almost unbearable. There was no intel to keep his mind occupied when the nightmares wouldn’t cease, no halls to endlessly walk until he fell asleep on a crate or in a corner hidden from view. On Calabriana, there was only silence and the creak of the floors under his feet, Jyn’s bedroom door always closed as he debated raising his fist and disturbing her sleep. He doesn’t, at least not until one day she pulls it open and reaches for his hand, drawing him into her room and into her bed. 

Neither of them say it out loud but every sleepless night from that night on - and even some in between - ends with finding solace in one another’s arms. And then one night, as Cassian hovers in her doorway as she readies for sleep, he straightens and finally pulls himself together. 

“I don’t want to sleep in my own bed anymore,” he admits, cautious and low. 

“I thought we already gave up on that idea,” Jyn answers evenly, pulling her work top over her head and tugging one of his old shirts from her drawer to use as a nightshirt. The hem hovers mid-thigh and he forces himself not to stare even though his whole body lights with the familiar draw of her. 

“Really?” He counters and she lifts a brow in reply. In another second she’s standing before him, hands on her hips in challenge. 

“Really. I asked you to leave the Rebellion with me and you did. I never really understood why you thought you needed to sleep in another room but I wasn’t going to push you. Figured you’d come around eventually.” 

“You mean you were already at this point and  _ I’ve _ been the one holding back?” The thought surprises him, all of the signals for the reality of their arrangement finally falling into place.  _ Oh _ . 

“Maybe,” she smirks and he sighs, reaching for her hips and drawing her close to his chest. The kiss is anything but chaste and in the morning when they wake - wrapped around one another like vines on a lush jungle planet - they don’t talk about how things have changed and what it means, instead choosing to simply share a room like it was a practical merging of resources. 

* * *

Sharing a room becomes sharing a life. They work the fields together, go to town together, and when the nights are particularly cold with the seasonal change they cling and make their own heat together. 

Their first few months on Calabriana pass uninterrupted by guests until one night there’s a knock on their door, a stricken look passing over Jyn’s face as Cassian gets up from where he’s settled with a story and his tea. He hesitates at the door, sucking in a breath, before he pulls it open to see a small crowd of humanoid beings huddled outside in elaborate colourful costumes. The sight makes him uneasy until one takes a breath. 

And then they start to sing. 

It’s maybe only five minutes. Maybe ten. Before the group nods and bids their farewells, walking off into the night as Cassian shuts the door and turns back to face Jyn who looks just as confused. 

“Local greeting committee?” Jyn offers with a shrug. Cassian nods and returns to his seat, picking up his reading and trying not to think about the odd encounter. 

A few days later and Jyn and Cassian venture to town, their eyes wide as they come upon the village now lit with endless flickering lights and colours all strewn about the streets. All around them people are rushing from shop to shop, arms loaded with bags and bright smiles on their faces. 

“What's going on?” He asks the supply clerk nonchalantly, his attention turned towards his chip card as he swipes it across the reader. 

“It’s the season of Jule. A time of gathering and well-wishing. Have you never experienced a Calabrianan Jule before?” Cassian shakes his head and glances over to where Jyn is running her fingers along a scarf on display, her lips quirked up in a small smile. “Well, it is a wonderful time to be here. You must attend the feast. Three days from now in the market - bring your partner and gift her that lovely piece she’s admiring - it’s tradition.” 

“How much for it?” Cassian asks by way of thanks. The man adds the cost to his bill and promises to wrap the gift up ahead of the festival.

Cassian doesn’t know what he’s promised to attend - was the feast a sacrificial ceremony or truly a happy occasion, he wasn't sure - but he isn’t concerned. None of the research he’d managed to dig up on this planet had talked about ritual sacrifice, so they’d probably be fine. 

He hoped, at least. 

* * *

The day of the feast, Cassian has to challenge Jyn to a competition to get her out of the house. She's too busy lounging like a Lothkat, curled up under a blanket as she enjoys her tea and hides away from the chill that has settled outside.

"I'll do the dishes for a week if you win. If I win, you have to come with me to town later," he offers, tweaking her toes with his fingers until she grins and pulls them out of his grip.

"Fine. Get the dice."

He wins by sheer luck, or at least that's what he tells himself as she rolls another snake-eyes. Two hours later and they're back in town, coming upon the small community at dusk. The lights flicker across the growing darkness and Cassian swears he can see stars in Jyn's eyes, her look of awe beautiful and serene and so far from the haunted look she'd worn the day she asked him to leave with her.

"They say there's a feast," Cassian says easily, starting to lead them forward and through the small alleys towards the market. Jyn sticks to his side and keeps her hand curled in the fabric of his pocket, holding on as they weave between groups of people, little families sprawling across swaths of space.

"A feast of what, exactly?" Jyn counters evenly, though there's no harshness to her words.

"Not sure. But the guy at the shop said we should come and I figured… if we're going to settle here we might as well try to follow some of their customs to blend in. Unless - "

"No, you're right. We can keep to ourselves but I think eventually we need to engage a bit. Good call," she adds. Cassian laughs tightly and reaches for her hand, pulling it into his own.

"Don't congratulate me yet, we've still got to survive tonight." 

They arrive into the bustle of the market and are stopped short by the sight they come upon. It's like Home Base after a victory, the crowd thriving and music filling the space around the shouts of excitement. A giant tree fills the center of the square, its bows filled with lights and ornaments that sparkle and glint in the changing light. Around them, children chase each other and adults fill tables with food and drink and laughter. It feels foreign to stand on the edge, looking in at a community that wasn't theirs. 

"You made it!" The clerk greets, lifting himself from his table and beckoning them over. Cassian clutches tightly to Jyn's hand and seeks her approval with a glance, her returning squeeze urging them forward. "And you've brought your lovely partner. Sit! Join us!" 

They're settled into seats at the crowded table and handed cups and a bottle of something tangy. Jyn seems to evaluate the substance before pouring herself some and dipping a finger in for a taste. Cassian watches as she frowns and then softens to an easy smile, eventually lifting to take a sip. With her approval, Cassian pours himself a cup and let's the man - Hinar, as he introduces himself - bring them up to speed on the celebration.

Twelve nights of celebration. Food, family, friends as a theme with occasional gifts given to each other on the last night. An ancient tradition brought from across the universe and combined into one massive festival celebrated around the small planet. 

The whole thing awed Cassian, the joy and the brightness and the welcoming nature of everyone around them. He'd never seen Jyn laugh so freely and the lightness of it was contagious, filling him too and loosening his tension for the first time in months. This was a planet still untouched by war, its few resources and minimal population making it unattractive to those looking to bleed a planet dry. They would be safe here, he was sure of it, or at least that's what he told Jyn as they wandered home a bit tipsy and a bit light on their feet.

"I think we could build something here," he murmurs as she leans into his side, the navy scarf he'd gifted her wrapped loosely around her neck. 

"What do you mean?" It's not accusatory and he thinks that's good, right?

"If… if you wanted to make something out of the rest of this life. Together. I think we could do it here."

She slows her pace as they linger in the yard, her gaze finding his in the low light. 

"Are you asking me to - "

"Yes. Whatever we want it to be. But I want to build it. With you."

Her eyes stay locked onto his, the colours swirling in the low light as she chews the inside of her cheek. The silence is almost deafening and he nearly takes it back, the proposal burning the back of his throat.

But then she lifts up on her toes and reaches her arms around his neck, drawing him down towards her waiting lips. 

"Yes," she whispers later into his chest, her body perched over his as he slowly comes down from his release. Her sweaty sticky skin slides across his and she wraps herself around him, their breathing coming into sync. “I want to build something. With you.” 

He thinks maybe this was what Step Four was about, all those months ago. 


	2. Part Two

Years pass, he almost loses count if it weren’t for the age of his daughter. Five now, born during their sixth Jule on Calabriana after a full night of labour and tears and exhaustion. He still remembered the first time he held her, screaming and squirming as he pressed a kiss to Jyn’s brow. They’d name her Eira, for the snow that fell that day. 

It had been better than surviving Scarif. Better than the day they found out they won the war. Better even than the day Jyn agreed to build their home together, though only just barely. 

He’d forgotten what it was like to be this content and somehow, almost purposely, he’d forgotten what it was like to worry about what was happening in the universe, the big place just beyond their front door. He'd forgotten, or maybe he'd just ignored, the whispers of discontent and the rumours of suffering that crept into their little village.

But that blissful ignorance was under threat now as the soldier stood in his entryway, Alliance markers on his breast. Cassian tries not to panic as the floor below him crumbles, all certainty of the life he’d come to lead now shattering in his careful grip. 

“Papa?” Eira greets, falling through the kitchen door into the hallway and pulling herself up short. “Who are you?” His daughter’s voice, all sharp suspicion like her mother, cuts through the silence filling the room. 

“I have a message for Sergeant Erso and Major Andor. I assume you’re Andor?” The man asks, his smile wide and belying the nature of his visit. Nothing good ever came from someone in uniform, especially one who sought them out at the edge of the universe.

“Who’s asking?” Cassian replies tightly. The man nods at his tone and scans the space quickly, clearing his throat. 

“The Alliance, or what you knew of the rebellion. We need your help. We’re launching - “ 

“I’m out. I was medically discharged. You’ve wasted your time - “ Cassian attempts abruptly but the man lifts his hand, holding it up to interrupt. 

“You’re not my primary recruit. I’m here to speak with Erso. Is she here?” 

“Mama? She’s out back with - “ 

“Eira,” Cassian interjects, grabbing for his daughter and pulling her to his chest. In the minute he does so, the soldier disappears back through the front door as the wood snaps shut behind him. Cassian scowls and stalks through the house to the back door, kicking open the screen to find Jyn standing up from her place at the edge of their vegetable patch, filthy arms crossing over her chest at the sight of the man.

"Who are you?" Jyn questions harshly, her posture tight. Cassian sets down Eira and moves to flank Jyn, his hand settling at the base of her spine as Eira wraps herself around his leg.

"I've come to ask for your help. The Resistance needs you. It needs you both - "

"Why us? Why now?" Jyn's shoulders twitch and Cassian forces himself to stay silent. He knew if he spoke up now it would likely do more harm than good, his nerves and anger at the unexpected visit slowly building under his skin.

"You're the heroes of Scarif. We need you to recruit for us, help us bolster our forces. There's an army rising and we need to be ready. We need you to join us and help us fight," he doesn't waver in his conviction and the words are measured and familiar. Join the cause, save the universe from certain destruction. It was the same line they'd been using since he was a kid.

"I haven't recruited anyone for the cause in years. What good would I be to you now?" Jyn scoffs dismissively, though there's a curious lilt to her voice that he recognizes from long ago. From when she had to fight to survive.

Cassian bristles at the idea that she would go back to war, his memories of Jyn's last days in the Rebellion and the way she'd looked the night she asked him to leave roaring back to life. 

She'd taken every one of her recruits under her wing, had helped them train and find their place and when the nth one died without warning it had knocked her clear off of her game. It had taken years on Calabriana for her to recover from the nightmares and the guilt that had threaded into her very core. All those lost kids for the cause. All those deaths because she felt like they were her responsibility. She couldn't go back to that. Not now, with her daughter to care for and the streaks of grey that had started to weave through her hair. She was needed here, with him and with Eira, in one piece and alive. 

But he also knew he couldn't stop her if she wanted to go. The thought sent a chill through him and he couldn't admit the ache that opened up as a chasm in his chest.

"You're the best recruiter we had. And General Organa believes that if you agree, Andor will join up as well and she wants you both. The universe needs you both and she won't take no for an answer."

"I've already told you - " Cassian starts and Jyn grabs his arm, her fingers slipping into his and silencing him with just her touch. 

"When do you need an answer by?" She asks in return and Cassian clenches his hand around hers, confused by her steady approach to the situation. She squeezes back and changes her stance, protective and strong. 

"The shuttle leaves tomorrow morning. I'd need you ready first thing and you'd need to find a caregiver for the child. There's no place on base for children at this time," the soldier adds confidently and Jyn tenses, flicking her gaze towards Cassian.

"We can't…" Jyn struggles and frowns, looking towards where Eira clings to his leg. Panic flashes across her face and then she steadies, exhaling a forced breath as she holds herself back from reaching for the girl. "I need to think of my family. I -  _ we  _ \- won't be separated. I'm sorry but - "

"We can accommodate if that’s the case. I'm prepared to offer you whatever you need in order for you to re-enlist but you need to understand the base is not suitable for children. There are no schools or childcare and it's better for children to be placed with - "

"I don't know who Leia thinks I've become but I'm not choosing war over my daughter. It's not going to happen so if that's the only offer then - "

"Jyn," Cassian breathes, edging somehow closer as her hackles rise. 

"I need time," Jyn hisses sharply. "I need to think - we need to figure this - Cassian, would you please say something?"

"You're leaving from the main terminal?" Cassian asks then, understanding the look in her eyes and the words she wasn't saying. She didn't want to discuss this in front of a stranger. And maybe, just maybe, she didn't want to tell him she was leaving without him.

"Yes. At 0900 standard time. I can tell you that if you don't come, I likely won't be the last man at your door unexpectedly. The Resistance needs you and they won't give up so easily."

"Comforting," Jyn snaps without a smile. The man nods a final time and leaves behind a comms device, his hand giving a small wave before he disappears back through the yard. The look Jyn gives him then could have shattered him, had he not been ready for it. 

"Why don't we make some dinner and we'll discuss it later?" Cassian offers lowly, reaching down to pull Eira from his leg and into his embrace. 

"Yes. Let me just finish up here and I'll be in."

They cook dinner, put Eira to bed, and then sit down to talk.

Two hours later and they're packing their bags, hesitation and nerves filling the room until eventually there's nothing left to pack and all they can do to rid themselves of the stress is get lost in each other.

* * *

One month on base and they've almost settled in, though Eira still barely sleeps through the night. He only knows this though because _ he _ barely sleeps through the night, his restless hours spent tossing and turning and wishing Jyn was with him. Sometimes, on particularly difficult nights, he pulls Eira into his embrace and tells her about their first Jule at home, the happy memories giving comfort as he tries to stem the longing for the home they'd built so far away.

Jyn was gone more often than not, her missions taking her farther and farther out into the universe until one day she was so far out that even the Comms team couldn't reach her unit. Cassian was determined not to panic about it but to say he didn't spend almost half the night in the Intelligence sector of the base would be an understatement, all his favours called in from people willing to look after Eira early into the morning hours.

Three days pass and eventually she arrives back at base in one piece, exhausted and beat up but somehow still standing when she appears at their small quarters and sinks to her knees to gather Eira close. Cassian goes to her then, dropping down and pulling his girls into his embrace. 

"Welcome back," he whispers, pressing a kiss to her brow as she shudders and clutches her daughter close.

Later that evening Cassian finds himself sitting on their bed with a stack of files in his lap, his attention only half on his analysis as the sounds of Jyn in the fresher hum through the room. Had he been doing his job better he would have missed the small hints behind the fresher door but almost thankfully, he had gotten worse at his data analysis since they first left the Rebellion and he’s easily distracted by the difference in her movements before it's too late. 

It's something small dropping on the floor that first makes him look up. He's on his feet with the curse. His forehead is pressed to the door, palm on the handle, when he hears the small sounds of pain filtering out from the small room.

"Jyn, can I come in?" He asks quietly, determined not to wake Eira up from her place in the next room.

"No," she sobs. Cassian doesn't hesitate, pushing through the door and finding her crumpled up on the floor. He goes to her then, dragging her into his arms as she falls apart. 

She tells him about the war zone she'd been sent to, the soldiers who died and the recruits who hadn't made it. Not once does Cassian ask her if she wants to go home, knowing full and well that if she was ready she would tell him. That had been their agreement - they would come back to help the cause because they needed to do their part but if either of them needed out, all they had to do was say it. 

Cassian was determined not to be the one to speak up and admit he’d become homesick. He hadn't wanted to come back, not really, but he'd agreed because he knew they had to. There'd been a fire in Jyn's eyes, a challenge she couldn't turn down, and he knew he had to support her or risk losing her - losing what they'd built together. But he worried too, that she'd shut down or get herself killed. He wouldn't tell her any of this but he'd be there when she struggled and when she thrived. He'd be there because they were in this together and he couldn't do it without her.

He just wished he didn't have to pick her up from the fresher floor, clutching her close as she curls into his chest in bed, the pained sobs escaping from her throat and threatening to pull him in with her. 

They'd both seen too much,  _ done _ too much, and they should have been done but they  _ weren't _ . 

Cassian holds tight to Jyn because it's all he can do, wishing for relief, for forgiveness and peace in the universe for once. But most of all, Cassian wishes that it was Jule and they were tucked into tables in the market among friends. He wishes that they were  _ home _ . 


	3. Part Three

More time passes. They settle into a rhythm of life with Cassian working every day at the Intelligence office as Eira is assigned to a small group of other base children with a rotating teacher. Jyn spends more time out than in, her missions having her regularly gone for days and returning her home exhausted though thankfully - so far - always in one piece. 

At night, when they’re all together, Cassian tries to return their lives to some semblance of normality as part of his determination to keep their little family together as best he can. Sometimes he steals meals from the mess to share in their tiny unit, other times he holds his girls close and reminds them of home and the life that’s waiting for them back on Calabriana. More often than not though, he finds himself watching as Jyn sits half-catatonic on their bed, her eyes glazed over as he reads or plays with Eira on the cold cement floor. Those nights are the hardest and he tries not to think about them.

It’s one of those half-life evenings when there’s a knock at their door and Cassian pauses his sentence, looking up from the storybook as Jyn slides her eyes towards him. 

“Who is it?” Eira calls out when the silence drags on between them for a moment too long. 

“It’s uh… Rook, Bodhi? Rook?” Jyn is on her feet and at the door in a heartbeat, the heavy plastisteel sliding open as she stumbles out into Bodhi’s arms. Soon, Cassian is wrapping himself around them both, relief and happiness flooding him with the appearance of their old friend. 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Jyn sighs as Bodhi settles himself in one of their few chairs, his too tall frame slower and aged with white tendrils of hair spreading from his temples. Cassian and Jyn tug Eira between them on the bed and hand her a datapad and some headphones to keep her occupied as they reminisce about the lives they used to live. 

“I can’t believe it either. Been a lot of close calls, I was lucky to get to come in and when I heard you guys were on base I couldn’t believe it. Leia had said but… I needed to see it. I didn’t think you’d ever be back.” 

“Neither did we,” Jyn answers softly. The conversation turns to the years since they left, about Eira and the way they found themselves back in the war. Bodhi shares how he’d left after them with Luke, the two happy as they built the Jedi training centre together. He hadn’t wanted to return either but with the centre growing and Luke drifting away, he’d had no choice but to come back to the fight. The loss of it all - of the life he’d been living - was so familiar to Cassian that it almost hurt to think about. 

“Have you seen Poe yet?” Bodhi ventures later, after they’ve put Eira to bed and cracked open an old bottle of Corellian rum that had been tucked away in the drawers of their unit when they moved in. 

“He’s here? Kes let him join up?” Jyn asks tightly, her face turning pale as Cassian runs a hand over her shoulders. He’d heard of Poe - Kes and Shara’s boy - but he’d never met him even after Shara passed away. They'd talked about it, had thought of visiting, but they had lost touch so long ago that it seemed almost painful to reopen those old wounds.

“He’s young still but sometimes you can find him around. Comes to visit Leia a lot. I can mention you're here - "

"That's alright - " Jyn starts.

"No, he'd want to meet you guys! I'll - "

"Bodhi, I don't think - "

"Oh. Yeah. Okay. If it works it works. Got it." The subject is dropped with a look from Jyn, the tension in her shoulders evident as Cassian runs his hand along her spine.

Later, after Bodhi has left and their bodies are pressed against one another in the tight bed, Jyn whispers a confession into his neck.

"I was sent to recruit him but Kes turned me away. I heard he joined up with the Defence Fleet anyways. I didn't try hard because I couldn't stop thinking about what if it was Eira and someone was trying to make her join a war. I never want her to have to fight like us," she pauses and exhales a shaky breath, her arm tightening around his waist. "I hate recruiting for this but I don't know what else I can do, Cassian. I want this war to end but I don't want anyone else to die because of me."

"You're not responsible for their deaths, remember? You're not the one pulling the trigger, or calling the battles, or sending them out with nothing but a droid and a belief in the Force. You can't let this get to you again - "

"But if I don't do my job then we lose and Eira ends up in this just like us. I don't want this for her."

"It won't be. I promise it won't be. If we have to run to the ends of the universe, Eira won’t join the fight. We won’t let it happen.” 

The promise is sour in his mouth and heavy in his chest. He knew he couldn’t make that promise - that the world would be better when Eira was old enough to join - but he had to believe that it would be. He had to believe that they would be able to live again. 

And so he dips his mouth to meet hers, desperate to imagine a world where they were far from this place and its battles and suffering and hurt. 

* * *

Their first Jule on base is solemn. Jyn is gone for most of it and Eira spends her nights asking when she’ll come back. Cassian isn’t sure and he doesn’t want to make any promises, so he tries to keep her busy by helping repair a droid. To say it reminds him of his childhood and his later years building and repairing K2SO would be an understatement - the ache of missing his old friend resurfacing after years without him. The hollow feeling left by Jyn being gone often made him miss his friend more and he has to force himself to tuck it away so Eira won’t see it on his face. 

He tries not to think about how much he misses being home. 

* * *

Their second Jule on base is only slightly better. He doesn't know who gave up his secret but he comes back to their unit from his shift to find Leia at his doorstep, a canvas bag thrown over her shoulder.

"What's going on? Don’t you have more important things to be doing than haunting my doorstep?" He greets, easing his pace as he types in the door code. Though Leia and him had grown to become friends since his return, he wouldn't say they were close. Work colleagues, sure, but personal visits were not the usual for either of them. 

"A little porg told me it's a special time for you guys so I brought something, figured we could have a night off," Leia replies, shrugging off the bag and following him into the unit. Without hesitating, she reaches their table and dumps the contents of her bag across the surface and watches as his brow furrows in confused surprise.

"Where did you get all this?" Cassian says as he steps towards the table and looks down at a plethora of decorations and lights that fit the traditional image of Jule that has stuck in his mind every year since that first year.

"I have my sources," Leia grins and flops into the chair. "Since when did you get into this stuff? You never seemed to be into cultural iconography before. In fact, I seem to recall you specifically trying to get out of an op where you had to celebrate Boonta Eve."

"Yeah, well, life happened, I guess. I'm not obsessive about it or anything - "

"I didn't peg you as obsessed either. Just - if I'm being frank - when I knew you back before Scarif, you didn't have any cultural markers. You blended in. I knew you were from Fest but you didn't seem to observe any of their holidays so I figured it wasn't your thing. When I heard your piss poor attitude in the meeting yesterday was because you were missing Jule - "

"It wasn't because I was missing it - "

"Well I figured I'd bring it to you so you'd stop yelling at your minions - "

"Cartson needed to be reprimanded - "

"So are you happy now? Will we get pleasant Cassian Andor back now that you've got your lights? Or will I need to give you the whole time off to celebrate in private?" Leia pauses their competing conversation and raises her brow in question. Cassian sighs and sits in the chair across from her, his fingers absently parsing through the decorations.

"It's not - I mean, I do miss it, but that's not the reason," he mumbles, picking at a golden bulb. Leia shifts and leans forward, though she stays silent in invitation. "I was done, Leia. I thought we both were done and that's why we left. We found somewhere so far from here and we fixed ourselves and we built a family. It was good. But then you sent your man and Jyn felt like she had a duty to stomp the Empire back into the ground because that's what Jyn has known for so long and then it was just over. Just like that it was done.”

"So you don't miss the holiday so much as you miss your life there?" She presses in on his wound, the pain of it flickering back to life.

"No. I don't even really miss our house or the planet itself. But how it was - how _easy_ it was to go day to day. I didn't have to worry about whether Eira was settled or if Jyn was even going to come home at night. We were together and we were happy and it was everything I never thought I'd have and now - it's just gone. It's gone and I'm tired of pretending like I'm okay with that. That's why I'm an ass around this time, I guess, because we got what we were fighting for the first time and I’m angry we have to fight for it again."

"I'm sorry," she answers evenly and he catches her frown, his shoulders rising in dismissal.

"It's not for nothing. What we're doing here is necessary, it's for the cause. I just wished the last time we fought was enough. It should have been enough," he adds with a sigh. A long silence stretches out between them until eventually Leia reaches for one of the strings of light, her fingers twisting the wire.

"Can I at least help you put these up before Eira returns? I can't end the war for you or give you back what you’ve lost, but I can make this dingy unit look at least partially festive,” she offers and Cassian can’t stop the small smile that escapes him. 

“Yeah, you can help with that,” he says with a nod and they get to their feet. They move throughout the space, stringing lights and posting small decorations around the nooks and corners all the while Cassian tells Leia about the traditions he missed most - the feast and the way Jyn and Eira and him used to stay up until midnight on the last night to open a gift each. He doesn’t tell her though about the best part of those nights - tucking Eira into bed with a song before Jyn and him retreat to their own room and find each other in the low light - but the memory of it is fresh in his mind’s eye as he knots the final string. 

“It looks beautiful. I can see why you miss it,” Leia says when they’re finished, her hands on her hips and her cheeks flushed. 

“Thank you for this. Eira will love it,” he responds and Leia nods. “Speaking of, she should be back soon. Did you want to join us for dinner?” 

“Can’t, I’ve got meetings so I need to go but may I make a suggestion?” 

“Sure,” he nods and watches as she begins collecting her things. 

“Next time you’re feeling like this, maybe talk to someone before taking it out on your staff. I hear Jyn’s a shitty listener but she’s always been fairly good at giving advice. She will understand - “ 

“She’d need to be here to understand,” Cassian grumbles to Leia’s rolling eyes. He can’t help but remember the conversation he’d had with Jyn the day before, the anger and the loneliness that had flared up within him.

_ “I have to go, it’s my job Cassian. You know this,” she snaps, stuffing her things more forcefully into her bag.  _

_ “And I also know that this mission can be pushed a week or you can sub out with eHisxe. But you won’t do that, will you?” He growls from the fresher door, careful to keep his voice low so as to not wake up Eira in the next room.  _

_ “I can’t,” she hisses and pauses her packing to finally look up at him. “It’s too late to change it and I don’t even understand why you’re picking now to be pissed off about this. I go on missions every week, why do you care so much this time?”  _

_ “Are you really asking me that?” His voice cracks and he shakes his head, rubbing his face with his palms.  _

_ “Yes. You’ve never had an issue before and this was part of the agreement of us coming back. You knew I would be doing this - “  _

_ “It’s Jule, Jyn. It’s your daughter’s birthday. And you’re missing it, again,” he states with a sigh. Though they’d never celebrated Eira’s birthday before, he couldn’t stop himself from throwing it in her face just because he couldn’t help himself, the disappointment and the hurt of her forgetting making him lash out. He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.  _

_ “I didn’t - the days have all blended together. I didn’t realize,” she whispers, pain riddling through her voice. “I’m sorry, I forgot.”  _

_ “Yeah, well, you seem to be doing a lot of that lately,” he finishes and turns back into the fresher, closing the door behind him.  _

_ When he comes back out, Jyn is already asleep tucked into Eira’s bed and he curses under his breath at how it had all gotten so out of hand.  _

“We can fix that too. It doesn’t all need to be a sacrifice for the cause, Cassian. We don’t have to give up everything that we’re fighting for this time,” she states evenly. Cassian nods and looks to the floor, the words shaking something loose in him for the first time. 

“Thanks Leia,” he bids and the woman slips through the door, leaving him to his unit and his thoughts.


	4. Part Four

The third Jule happens after a particularly brutal battle that the whole base reels from. Though they'd won, the losses had been high and the community was missing faces it had come to know so well. Eira lost a teacher, Cassian lost an agent, and Jyn… Jyn lost the innocence of her students.

After the discussion with Leia the year prior, Cassian had finally pulled himself together and talked to Jyn about their position and the struggle he was having adjusting to life back in the Resistance. She'd been surprisingly relieved with his honesty, her shoulders slumping with the visible lift of worry from her frame.

_"I thought you were going to tell me you were leaving me," she whispers in response, tucking her forehead into her knees as Cassian leans forward in his chair._

_"I followed you back here and I have no intention of leaving you. I love you, Jyn. I'm just struggling to adjust. When we left - when you asked me to leave before - I was done. It was hard to figure out what life was after growing up in this fight but we made it work. What we built… It was everything I never thought I'd have. So when we decided to come back to this, it was hard to give it all up," he admits. Jyn twists her head and rests her cheek on her knee so she can look at him, her lips tight._

_"Do you want to leave? Take Eira back to Calabriana?" Her voice is rocky and Cassian sighs, shaking his head. His hand reaches out for her cheek as he brushes against her skin._

_"No. I don't plan on leaving. We have too much work here and I don't want to go anywhere without you. But I needed to tell you all this because it's too hard to keep going like this. I need you here, Jyn, with us. Not out recruiting and then coming back with so much guilt that you're barely here. Eira needs you._ I _need you. And if we're going to keep doing this we need to address the issue and stop ignoring it."_

_The silence feels heavy, his heartbeat almost audible in the small room as Jyn closes her eyes and sighs. Eventually, she slowly gets to her feet and moves towards him, pausing before settling in his lap with her forehead on his shoulder._

_"A few days ago Leia offered me a combat training role, if I wanted it. I'll take it, if that's what you want. It… might be better for us? I'd be around more and I think it would help, to be able to prepare the new recruits for what's out there. Maybe it would help if I knew I was doing more than just signing them up and abandoning them - "_

_"You've never abandoned them. And it's not what I want that matters, not really. I just - I miss you. And I don't want to give up what we built together. We can adjust what it is but I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose you," he adds softly as his fingers flex in her hair, holding her close._

_"I can't lose you either," she whispers. "I'll take the trainer position and we will figure this out. We'll be okay, right?"_

_"Of course we will," he responds and wraps his arms around her before drawing her lips down to his._

_The kiss brings relief and Jyn sags into his embrace, tangling her limbs around him as he gets to his feet and moves them towards the bed. They tumble onto the sheets, all desperate hands and pressing bodies as they remove layers of clothes in their urgent need to be closer. When he slips into her warmth she cries out into his ear, her hands bracketing his face and pulling his gaze down to hers._

_"I love you too, alright?" She murmurs and Cassian smiles, ducking to kiss her as he begins to move._

_Later, when their breaths have stopped heaving and their skin begins to cool, Cassian brushes a lock of hair from her brow and she closes her eyes with the touch. His heart settles into the moment and he lets himself hope, if only for a little while._

He thinks back to that night as he pulls the box of decorations out of the storage cupboard he'd commandeered down the hall. His determination to lean into the holiday and its traditions make him single-minded in his task, all of his attention focused on how to use Jule to ease the hurt riddling through his community.

"What are you doing, Andor?" Bodhi calls out, surprising Cassian as he balances a box against his side and attempts typing in the door's lock code.

"Just grabbing some stuff," he responds and turns quickly, bumping into a body and knocking the box out of his hands. Its contents spill across the floor, wires and lights and decorations scattering their bright colours across the cement. Cassian ignores the man and turns his focus to the upended box. " _Kriff_ ," he growls and crouches down to collect the items.

"Sorry," the man replies and joins him, kneeling on the floor and reaching for some of the items. "What is all this ju- "

"Stuff," Bodhi interjects and joins the two men on the floor to gather the items. Cassian finally manages to look up and the sight that greets him makes him pause, the familiarity of the stranger ringing his old Intelligence senses. "He didn't mean to trash your trash. Kid is just a bit rude still so I'm trying to - uh - straighten him out."

"You're - " Cassian starts and the man shakes his head and smiles, holding out a hand.

"Poe Dameron," he offers and Cassian shakes his hand, trying not to picture the ghost of Shara Bey in front of him.

"I knew your parents," Cassian adds after withdrawing his hand, his attention turned fully to the boy.

"Yeah, I know. They liked to reminisce about their years hanging out with some of the heroes of Scarif. Dad says 'hi', by the way or at least I'm sure he would if he knew I was here," he pauses on a laugh and looks to Bodhi who rolls his eyes.

"I was teaching him a few tricks before he heads back home. He was supposed to leave an hour ago," Bodhi sighs. 

Cassian nods but keeps his words to himself, unsure of what was expected of him. Should he welcome the kid with open arms? Or keep him at a distance like Jyn was trying to do? He didn't know and quite honestly, he was too tired to figure it out. 

"Supposed to, but why would I? This place is going to be my home in a few months, might as well find some friends to start to settle in with. And Andor here looks like he’s about to throw a rager so I might as well make nice with him to get the invite,” Poe answers jokingly and Cassian shakes his head, his hands closing the box as he looks up. 

“Not a rager. It’s for Jule,” Cassian replies evenly, slow to get back to standing as his hip protests the movement.

“Jule? Like that presents and singing and food thing out in the Outer Rim?” Poe counters, surprise in his voice. “Where’d you pick that tradition up?” 

“It’s not - it’s about more than just food and presents and singing. It means a lot to Jyn and I,” he pauses and Bodhi nods, shifting his gaze to Poe. 

“They relocated to the Outer Rim for a few years,” Bodhi adds. Poe nods and leans forward slightly, his look evaluating. 

“Makes sense. Do you want help putting these up? I’ve got time - “ 

“No, he doesn’t,” Bodhi interjects and Cassian swallows his smile at the banter, his tension softening. 

“Thanks for the offer but I’ll be alright. I’ve only got an hour before shift and they’ll be back from the training room before I’m done,” Cassian says to Poe’s returning sigh. 

“Alright. But if you need any company at the party, or you know, you want to make it for the whole base or something, just let me know. It would be a hell of a joining up celebration for me and I - “ 

“Won’t be here. I’m putting you on a transport so your father doesn’t come and kill me. Come on,” Bodhi grumbles and grabs Poe by the collar, dragging him off down the hall and leaving Cassian to sigh and head back towards his unit. 

He spends the next hour cleaning and stringing up lights, tacking some of the decorations up around Eira’s room and across the ceiling of their small living space. When he’s done, he checks his chrono and groans, picking up his gear and reluctantly heading towards the comms room for his first meeting of the day. 

His shift crawls by and he nearly dies under all the flimsi he has to review, the documents unnecessary and cumbersome and keeping him at his desk far longer than he thought necessary. When he finally gets to his feet, his muscles ache and his bones crack and for just the briefest of moments he wonders when he got so old, his entire body protesting from the movement.

On his way back to his unit, Cassian stops by the quartermaster’s office and grabs the packages he’s had ordered in, the gifts for Jyn and Eira stuffed into a rucksack that he throws over his shoulder. When he arrives back at the room, he punches in the code and steps through the door expecting noise and music and laughter. But inside the small space he finds nothing - the lights are gone and the decorations have disappeared, the walls bare. 

His stomach clenches, sours, and he tightens his grip on the bag. Had they been robbed? Was he in the wrong unit? Or worse, had Jyn taken them down? Bitter and upset that he would try to bring the happiness of their life before into this place? 

He was halfway to starting to panic when he hears the door code beeping behind him, his body swinging around just in time to see the door slide open and Jyn standing on the other side, a tentative smile on her face. 

“I’m going to dinner, are you coming?” She greets, cocking her head towards the mess. 

“Where is everything? What happened?” Cassian counters, confusion in his brow as Jyn sighs and reaches for his arm. 

“Come on, I’ll explain it all later. Right now though Bodhi is looking after Eira and I don’t trust him not to spoil her.” She links her arm through his and they move down the hallway together, Cassian trying to keep up as she recounts her day and the student who had finally learned how to complete a roundhouse kick without falling over. 

The confusion simmers within him despite Jyn’s upbeat stories, his hand still tight around the bag’s strap as they round towards the mess. Half ready to call it quits and go back to his unit alone, Cassian pulls himself up short when he hears music rumbling through the halls. 

“What’s going on in there?” He wonders, turning to glance at Jyn who grins back at him. 

“It’s a surprise,” she answers and picks up her pace, dragging him the rest of the way down the hall and towards the doors. She swings one open and Cassian stops, struck with awe as he looks into the wide space. 

The room has been transformed into a bustling market, the tables pulled together into bunches that circle a tree someone has pulled in from the forest outside the base. Throughout the room, lights have been strung up and the decorations from their unit have been repurposed into table centrepieces complete with bottles of the liquor from Calabriana that had been their favourite back home. And the people… So many members of the base were here that it looked like everyone who wasn’t on shift was in attendance. The few children who were on base raced around between the clusters of adults, joy and excitement clear on their face. 

“Happy Jule,” Jyn whispers, looking up at him with a nervous smile on her face. 

“You did all this?” He asks, shock still rippling within him. Shock, and a desperate need to pull her close and never let her go. 

“Well, I had my students do most of it. But keeping you out of the mess was all me,” she laughs and Cassian turns to draw her close, his hand finding her cheek. 

“So you’re who I need to blame for all the flimsi crap today?” He jokes and she nods, tightening her fists in his shirt to pull him closer. 

“Yes. But the idea was Leia’s.” 

“I’ll make sure to thank her then,” he chuckles and dips down to capture her lips in a sweet kiss. Though he wants to deepen it, the sounds of the crowd in the room and the shriek of ‘Papa!’ echoing through the space makes him sigh and pull back. “Later, then,” he whispers and Jyn nods, squeezing tight to his hands before he draws back and squats down as Eira comes barreling into his arms. 

The evening flies by as Eira pulls him towards a table full of people, Bodhi and Poe and Leia among the faces who revel in the food and drink that flows easily throughout the room. At some point he catches Eira snooping through his rucksack and he grins down at her, taking the bag back from her sneaking hands. 

“Papa! I want my gift!” She whines, pouting spectacularly as Jyn laughs and looks towards him. 

“Fine. You can have it on one condition,” Cassian answers and tugs the box out of his bag, holding it on his lap as Eira bounces from foot to foot. 

“Anything!” 

“You have to behave extra well for Tío Bodhi tonight when you have a sleepover, alright?” Cassian continues before flickering his eyes up to Jyn and then Bodhi who shrugs and nods, silently agreeing to look after her for the night. 

“You don’t need to try to Jedi mind trick me, Papa, I always behave for him,” Eira responds with a wide smile and a dramatic wink towards Bodhi who snorts into his drink. Beside him, Jyn laughs and shakes her head, leaning her head onto Cassian’s shoulder as she watches Eira pull at the packaging. When the new datapad falls out onto her lap she jumps to her feet and wraps them both up in a tight hug. “This is awesome!” She shouts and then races off to show her friends, the laughter and joy making him lighter with every minute. 

“What’d you get me?” Jyn whispers into his ear, her hand brushing against his thigh suggestively as she grins like a tooka-cat. “A babysitter for our daughter?” 

“Maybe… Though I’ve got a little something for you that isn’t just privacy,” he adds lightly before reaching into his bag and pulling out a small box. He places it on her lap and turns more fully towards her, his nerves rekindling under his skin. “I’d planned to do this at midnight and with less of an audience, but I guess part of this whole Jule thing is the gift giving so… “ 

She takes the package and opens it under the edge of the table, her thumb picking at the seal before she reaches in and digs through the padding. A smaller box is pulled free from the stuffing and Cassian stops breathing, his whole body freezing as she glances up at him. 

“Cassian,” she breathes, surprise in her voice. “Is this… Are you..?” She stops and opens the box further, her smile widening as she looks at the metal band tucked in the seam. 

“I’ve loved you for over a decade, Jyn Erso, and this past year has made me realize that I wasn’t missing our home on Calabriana, or the life we lived there. I was missing you - your laughter and your fire and everything you share with Eira and I. Having you back these past few months and making it through the battle with you at my side, I knew you deserved something more from me. You deserve a promise and the paperwork that comes with that. You deserve to know that I’m not going to leave you, not ever,” he pauses, wrapping his hand around hers and squeezing it tight. “I want you to be my partner in all ways. And I want it to be official. What do you think?” 

“I think you’re a sap,” she laughs though the sound is interrupted with a sniff and a shake of her head as she wipes at her eyes. “And I think I’m going to say yes.” 

She lunges for him then, her arms wrapping around his shoulders as she draws him against her. Her lips find his and the table dissolves into whoops and hollers as they pull each other tight in their need to be closer. 

The rest of the evening passes in a whirlwind of excited congratulations and more liquor as they tell Eira and their friends scattered around the room. Eventually, Jyn slows her dancing steps in his embrace and pulls away, tugging at his arm and nodding her head towards the exit, her smile wide. 

“Eira’s gone with Bodhi. Let’s get out of here,” she urges, smiling up at him as he follows her lead. They leave the party that’s dissolving into a mess of drunken celebrations and stumble their way through the hallways, tucking themselves up along the nooks and stealing kisses all the way back to their unit. 

When they fall into bed it’s like finally coming home, her body wrapped around his and their hearts bouncing off one another as they join and race towards their release. Jyn tumbles over first - twice - before Cassian lets himself fall apart below her with a groan. After, as they lay together on the thin bed with their limbs tangled together, Jyn sighs and reaches up for his cheek to gently turn him to face her. 

“I feel like we’ve been wandering two separate roads since coming back here,” she murmurs softly, her gaze searching. “But now it feels different. Like maybe we’ve settled into what comes next? Why is it always Jule that makes me feel like I’m finally where I’m supposed to be?” 

“I know, I feel it too. Maybe it’s the magic of the season,” he responds jokingly, turning his body to face her more fully. “Welcome home, Jyn,” he echoes himself all those years ago, realizing just how far they’ve come together. Had he thought then that this firebrand, this rebel, would follow him this long he wouldn’t have believed it. But she was here and they were together and he had everything now he’d never thought he’d get in this lifetime. _This_ was Step 4. This was home.

“Thank you for building this home with me,” she adds with a mischievous grin, breaking him from his thoughts. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” he returns and reaches for her, pulling her back into his arms and the future they would fight for together.


End file.
